Step Into My Mind

Please Take a Moment to Read This.

If you’re pissed cause you’re broke.

Get a job and make money.

Or get a better job and make more money.

Or save your money so you can pay for what you want.

If you want to be thin,

then lose weight.

Get the fuck up and do something about it.

Go jog, cut down the food you eat, or eat healthier.

If you want to look good,

then put some fucking make up on.

Straighten your hair, do your nails, tan your skin,

or find someone that thinks you already look good.

If you want to achieve your goals,

do something about it.

Don’t just sit around and bitch.

Don’t sit around and think that shit is easy.

If you don’t want to have problems, 

then don’t create them.

Or, end them.

Quit your bitching and do something about the only life you have.

It kind of makes sense.

When I was younger and a guy and I would totally committ, I’d stray off eventually.

I kind of see why I’d do that. At the time I didn’t realize it, but I do now.

I start freaking out. 

My mind starts racing and I get such bad anxiety.

In order to put my mind at ease, I’d make myself not care and talk to other people. Flirt here and there, feel powerful…

I’d feel powerful knowing that in my own mind, I had my shit under control.

That way if they left me, I could hold my head high and think, “Well, whatever anyways. Their loss. I never needed them anyways. I have so many other people I could be with.”

It was a non-stop cycle for about 3 years of my life. I’d jump from boyfriend to boyfriend and to a few of them - that was my mindset.

Now, when I turned 19 - everything changed. I had a boyfriend I really liked and was as smart as me. He just knew the games I’d play. So, he went through everything I owned and basically made it IMPOSSIBLE for me to talk to ANYONE. Boys or girls. So then I only knew him..and he left me. Lovely.

Then I moved in with some dude. Yeah. Uh.

He was tall, cute, and funny….that’s the only reason I liked him. But, I stayed committed. But in my own mind… I just told myself… “Ok, well if he leaves me..there’s nothing too emotional to this relationship anyways. Oh well.”And that’s exactly how that happened. He left me, and I was finally single. I stayed single for 7 months, and then I met Luke.

The first four months, I told myself, “It’s whatever. He lives in another state. If he cheats on me…oh well i guess. If it’s not meant to be, it’s not meant to be.”

Now I’ve been here for almost a month and I’m thinking, “Holy shit….”

And that’s it. lol. No other thoughts. 

So now I’m feeling complete and total anxiety and I’m freaking in my own mind.

As soon as he calls me though, I’m going to put on the cool..calm…collective show.

Sometimes, I just think I have too much stress and confusion to ever date anyone. I feel bad for people that have had to put up with me and my freaking out.

Now, I’m in a committment and the last thing I want to do is stray off.

Summer

Raves are going to be put on hold for a bit.

This summer, I want to be outside and really enjoy my summer.

The three things I want to accomplish this summer is:

• Camping
• Going to a water park
• Going to a beach

I haven’t been to a beach since I was 17. I think the last time I went to a water park was when I was 18. 

I just would really like to go,and I don’t want to spend a shit load of money on a one day affair at a rave when I can spend money on a weekend of fun with some people I love.

Leaning towards the end of June or Mid July to go do these things. :)

marizzazilla asked: I'm sorry girl. Well I know how you feel, about how to believe because you've been fucked over so much, but if you really love him and you really want this you're gonna have to take a chance and let the cards fall where they may. I hope everything works out for you!!

Thank you so much. :) You’ll be updated via Tumblr! lol. 

Biting my nails.